Ronald McDonald. Ronald Fricken McDonald.What can we say about Ronald McDonald. No one, NO ONE has gotten to his level. He's on the top five advertising icons and is the ultimate champion of fast food icons. Shove it, Sanders. Eat that, Wendy's. No one can take the children away from the fricken clown. He's the king, baby. Hey, hey guys, since Ronald McDonald is the ruler of all fast food, and hamburgers are the main staple of fast food, hey guys, doesn't that make Ronald McDonald... The Burger King!?!

Actually, no. Ronald McDonald is not the Burger King. There is only one Burger King. I mean, THE Burger King. Not just the restaurant. There was actually a Burger King. A real, honest-to-good BURGER KING. You may have seen him in recent commercials for Burger King's breakfast deal. You know, that one where the one guys wakes up in his bed, and there's a guy in royal robs and a giant plaster head laying next to him handing out burgers? That was the Burger King.

See, in the late 70s and early 80s, Burger King, McDonald's biggest competitor, decided to play on Ronald's success by creating another jolly, dancing, kid-loving character to promote their meals. And, hey, since their name already was the Burger King, why not create an actual king! The results were nothing short of horrifying. The King and his supporting cast came off far more creepy then they should have and the songs they played in the commercials were bang-your-head-on-the-wall addictive.

I have three of these commercials in my possession. All three will be examined. Ladies and gentlemen, THE Burger King!

Commercial #1 - Introducing the Players

We open up to two children enjoying a peaceful meal at their local Burger King. Ah, the days when two child could bike down to the local burger joint and share an afternoon with a lunch they bought with their pocket money. The first half second of this commercial is full of feeling. It brings a tear to my eye. Then you realize the children are talking to a giant living burger mounted to the wall. Kind of ruins it.

That's the Burger Thing, and he's a giant burger with eyes. And he sings. But he doesn't don't know no love songs, and he can't sing the blues anymore... Instead, he sings about a great friend of his. A friend who takes the namesake of a place that harvests and butchers smaller, non-mounted versions of Burger Thing. He's singing about Burger King. And Burger King is on the ceiling.

Alright, forgive me on the quality of the pictures. These commercials are over twenty years old, and just about all tapes over twenty years old were filmed in what's known as fuzzy vision. Deal. Anyway, the kids watch in awe as the Burger kind does an Irish jig on the ceiling, singing along with the Burger Thing along with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir that just happened to be there. The King migrates his way down the wall to meet the children who happened to be eating there that day. However, one man wishes to confront the King.

Meet the Duke of Doubt. He... doubt things. That's his gimmick. That, and he wears giant plastic bits on his face, making him the most awkward human being in the world. The Duke is the closest thing to a villain in our little world. He's the Hamburgler to Burger King's Ronald. But instead of stealing things, the Duke of Doubt... doubts things. Today, he doubts that King's ability to walk up walls isn't magic and only requires a little grip in one's shoes. He then attempts it himself, with, um, hilarious results?

Despite the Duke of Doubt's... doubts, the King keeps up a smile and presents some of his other tricks, including sending the contents of a milkshake across the room into the Duke's cup. If that doesn't convince the Duke, the King brings out a trio of burgers and bring them to life to assist their larger cousin in a barbershop quartet. The Duke of Doubt remains... doubtful.

Ok, so the Duke has nothing on the King's ability to control gravity or suddenly bring life to food items, but he still thinks he has this wall walking thing down. The secret: Running really, really fast. However, he runs so fast that he breaks through the wall! Wait, there's nothing beyond that hole. Is that... Is that the legendary Nothing that consumed Fantasia? Whatever it is, the king obviously want it revealed, so he quickly uses his magic to fix the wall, trapping the Duke of Doubt in the Negative X Dimension. Don't worry, kids. The Duke will be back.

However, the Burger Thing will be leaving us. Hope no one got too attached to that monster. I also hope he's delicious! However, as one friend leaves us, another arrives, and if you thought the Burger Thing was something, then you never met...

Commercial #2 - Meet Sir Shakes-A-Lot

Some kids are attracted outside to the sound of a mysterious shaking tree. As they approach, the Burger King arrives with a poof of smoke, and he's brought a friend. Meet Sir Shakes-A-Lot, a crack addict, if crack was nice cold refreshing shakes. See, he shakes uncontrollably because he drinks shakes all the time, and shakes are really fricken cold!

Burger King: Hey, Sir Shakes-A-Lot. Can I ask you something?

Shakes-A-Lot: GrEaT sHaKeS, bUrGeR kInG!

Burger King: Um, yeah... Sir Shakes, where do you get that shake?

Shakes-A-Lot: wHaT dO YoU mEaN?

Burger King: We didn't make that shake. Where did you get it?

Shakes-A-Lot: i, Er, I mEaN... iT's A bOmB!

IT'S A BOMB!

I really feel sorry for Sir Shakes-A-Lot. He's addicted to fast food crap, he wears a giant cup on his head and it soon becomes clear that his unhealthy craving is continuously feed by that royal bastard. Here we see the Burger King create a boatload of shakes out of thin air.

Sir Shakes-A-Lot's reaction is to go completely apeshit, screaming "gReAt ShAkEs!" and doing the robot with his arms. The Burger King continues to play with Sir Shakes-A-Lot's head by making shakes fly in mid air and appearing randomly on trays and spinning around. Shakes shakes uncontrollably, a seizer powered by a sugar rush. Shakes doesn't manage to nab one of these shakes, but don't worry. The King's got a very special shake for our friend here.

See, the King's got a giant super shake somewhere else in the universe, represented here by a giant picture of a shake. The King wants Sir Shakes-A-Lot to be the official drinker of this shake, which magically teleports to his smaller cup as he drinks it. As he sips, the shake in the picture slowly decreases. Shakes has finally found his super buzz, but the moment's gone as soon as he's finished. Sir Shakes has tasted Heaven and is now banned to the smaller, more mediocre forms of milkshakes. Shakes is now more addicted than ever. Ten years later, Sir Shakes-A-Lot was found dead in his apartment from a milkshake overdose in what has been named as suicide.

I don't know if Sir Shakes-A-Lot made any other appearances beyond this commercial. Not that I think I could last through another one. Sir Shakes is perhaps the most depressing character ever to appear in advertisement. Sir Shakes, you have our blessing, and out permission to punch the Burger King in the face.

Commercial #3 - Burger King Vs. The Duke of Doubt

Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os! The Duke of Doubt is up to his old tricks again, and by tricks I mean sneaking around the outside of a Burger King and trying to disprove magic tricks. That reminds me of the Masked Magician. Anyone here remember the Masked Magician from 1998 or sometime around then? On Fox? The masked guy all in black that ruined all the professional magic tricks, like the rabbit in the hat trick and sawing a woman in half? Turned out he was just a disgruntled Mexican guy? He's not like the Duke of Doubt. Run #75, run!

The Burger King has gathered the children around to show him the latest of his magical artifacts: a magic hat. You know it's a magic hat cause it's bright orange. The Duke of Doubt approaches, being all witty with such snide as "Magic Hat? I Doubt That!" Then he proceeds to punch a hole through the King's hat. WTF!!! It's one thing to doubt another, but to go around and breaking his personal affects? What if the Duke said "Hey, my car can go really fast?" Would I walk up and start hitting the radiator with a crowbar!?! God, everyone's a bastard in these commercials. Expect Sir Shakes-A-Lot. He's just a sad clown. :(

Ah, but despite the wounds to the Burger King's magical hat, he is undaunted. When the King claims he can turn a burger into fries, the Duke is immediately skeptical. However, when the King drops the burger through the hat, they really do turn into fries. The Duke is flabbergasted (what?). Just look at his face there on the right. It's like he's seeing poop for the first time.

Well, what does the Duke have to say to this clear display of magic. Why, give it a second test! The King claims he can create any food from midair, so the Duke proclaims "Hey, if you can do real magic, make me a shake." The King thinks about this for a moment, smiles and waves his arms. "Alright, you're a shake!" Oh, the demons you've released, Duke of Doubt!

Oh, you wacky Burger King you. You've turned the Duke of Doubt into a shake! If Sir Shakes-A-Lot were here, he'd be considering cannibalism. Luckily, the King returns the Duke to his former state before he gets ingested. Which he then follows with a mocking gesture as he makes fast food appear and disappear in a blink of the eye. If the Burger King were a real king, he'd, well, be a really crappy king.

One of the children proclaim that "There's no doubt about it, Duke," to which the Duke of Doubt sulks off to gather his resources and prepare to strike in another commercial. However, this marks the final time today we'll be seeing the Burger King, Burger Thing, The Duke of Doubt and Sir Shakes-A-Lot. Maybe not as magical as Mayor McCheese or Mac Tonight, but they were an interesting crew none the less. I also have information of another character called the Wizard of Fries. They say he was a giant robot with fries for a head. Since I've never seen him, we'll just assume he never existed. Yeah, we'll do that.

Well... WELL. That was the Burger King for yeah. Short-lived, but defiantly interesting. Far more interesting than what they did ten years later...

The Burger King Kids Club. What the hell was that all about. They had the cool kid with the big glasses and his dog with identical glasses. And the kid in the wheelchair, just so they could be diverse and

ShAkEs!

What the hell?

gReAt ShAkeS!

Huh?

AUGH!

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