Alright, here's a pretty solid history of my TV viewing experience. From 1984 to about 1990, we had cable, getting channels like Nickelodeon and such. After that, my parents dropped it to stop us kids from rotting our minds, and we stuck with local channels to about 1997. Then, in 1998, we had no TV at all as part of the "big experiment." Nothing but a VCR to keep us glued to the tube. Finally, after a year of that, we grabbed a satellite dish and we've had it ever since.

So, anyway, yeah, I had cable, which means I had Nickelodeon and I had the Disney Channel, which were big children-oriented channels for me. I spent my saturday mornings with the local cartoon lineup, but the rest of the week was set aside for Pinwheel and Today's Special. I was in love with Nickelodeon. Not so much with Disney Channel. I'm the kind of guy who likes Bugs Bunny more than Mickey Mouse. It's reversed for the rest of my family. My sisters watch the Disney Channel all the time, and I can't help but notice how much it's changed over the years. Gone are the late-night showings of the Mickey Mouse Club and Zorro. Gone are nature documentaries and the movies made from studios that were not Disney. It didn't have countless hours of dumb teen dramas that may or may not have sci-fi elements. It didn't have dumb original Disney movies. IT HAD GOOD ORIGINAL DISNEY MOVIES.

I've spent a lot of time talking about how Nickelodeon's changed on me, but I think it's time we talked Disney. However, at this time, I don't have any tapes with old Disney Channel shows on it. So we'll have to make do with magazines.

Yes, the Disney Channel Magazine, April-May 1987, perhaps the prime of the Disney Channel's run. We've all seen the current issues of Disney Channel Magazine on the little stands at the front of the grocery store, complete with Aladdin clip art and interviews with boy bands.

Well, it used to be a low different. For one, this was a series, bigger than all your books magazine, as opposed to the dinky coffee table editions we get today. This was the kind of Disney Magazine you would see at the dentist. Getting a Disney Channel Magazine was something of an event. It barely fit in the P.O. Box along with the other mail. Since the post office was only a block away, I often walked with my parents to pick up the bills in hope that there may be a little something for me in the shape of a nickel and two dimes. Alas, I was too young to grasp the concept of the monthly magazine, so most days were wrought with disappointment. Those days when it did come, however, were awesome.

Ironically, I couldn't read at the time.

Though larger than one, Disney Channel was nothing more than a TV Guide featuring only one channel. However, unlike TV Guide's opening interviews, Disney Channel Magazine talked about Snow White and a pre-pubescent Britney Spears. Kids ate it up for the large colorful graphics alone and didn't worry about how pointless the whole thing was. There were some segments, like movie reviews and advice sections, that aimed towards the older audience, but my parents only watched the black and white stuff and were not even allowed to touch my magazine collection.

The cover story of this issue was Anne of Avonlea, the sequel to Anne of Green Gables. I haven't seen it, however, so I'm not gonna talk about it. Instead, here's Dennis the Menace offering books he'll never in his life read.

Now, come on!

Also, Minute Maid.

Snow White was going through a re-popularity boom at the time. We may or may not have to thank Gremlins for this. This issue of Disney Channel Mag is jam-packed with Snow White offers, including the two above: A giant Snow White doll and a Snow White-themed Disneyland package including coins with Grumpy's face carved on. For the record, I hate China dolls. Whenever I played with one, I always ended up breaking it. Which is why I don't have a girlfriend. :( Dolls should either be plastic or cloth, not the material my soup bowls are made out of.

Minnie Mall was one of my first catalog orders. I nabbed me a large collection of those 20-page books off of the classic Disney films. Yeah, I read Winnie-The-Pooh as a hardcover pamphlet in which Pooh wears a red shirt as opposed to reading the two novel-sized collection of stories in which Pooh does not wear a red shirt. Also, that 101 Dalmatians book? I swear to god it showed all 101 Dalmatians. Also, those radios built into the headphones? Way over rated.

China Dolls.

I've never been to Disney World, but good god I wanted to. Particularly in the late 80s, they advertised the hell out of Disney World, but Disneyland hardly got a word in. In fact, when I finally got to go to Disneyland, I cried on the way to cause it wasn't Disney World. I later shut up after riding Space Tours. Which, by the way, was the theme of the single Disneyland ad in the entire mag. C-3PO and R2-D2 give a friendly wave from what might be Disneyland, but my money's on the blue screen room at the Channel 6 studio.

And on to the kids section. Perhaps the most interesting bit is the "Read, Write and Draw" section. Not because kids send in their stories to be portrayed on a never-got-off-the-ground TV show, but because that show would have been hosted by horror star Vincent Price. The show technically lasted three years, but come on. Who actually saw it? There are exactly four mentions of it on the Internet. If anyone can tell me more of Vincent Price's Read, Write, and Draw, I would gladly pay $30,000 for the information.

Someone's fantasy of seeing Wind In The Willows' Badger in his underwear has just been fulfilled. Sicko. Also, Doggy Comics.

Mickey Mouse likes children.

Now, on to the things Disney Channel actually played on TV.

First up, The Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation, a supreme sequel to the first film, but still goofy girly fluff. It also featured the Care Bear Cousins, which doubled the Care Bear toy output overnighter. Also, the movie had the best Care Bears villain to date, the almost demon-ish Dark Heart. Yeah, Dark Heart was cool.

Dr. Seuss' The Lorax is perhaps my favorite Dr. Seuss story of all time, as well as the most uncelebrated of his works. If your unfamiliar with it, the story talks about a man (whom we only see the hands of) who cuts down the trees in the forest to make wonderful somethings. However, this eventually leads to him expanding to a giant factory, which completely deforests the area, poisons the waters and pollutes the air. All through this, the man is bugged by a little forest creature called the Lorax, who tries to tell him what harm he's doing to the world around him. Eventually, the hands see what wrong he had been doing, but it was too late to reverse the damage he had done. The ending is particularly tear-wrenching. Does the job that a thousand Captain Planet episodes failed to do.

Finally, A Boy Named Charlie Brown. The majority of the Charlie Brown tv specials and such consisted of Charlie Brown and friends going through another day of life. Charlie Brown would try to kick the football and fail. Snoopy would sleep on top of his dog house. Linus sucks his thumb and holds his blanket. And frankly, I wouldn't have these little slice of lifeses any other way.

Then there was Kids Incorporated, the decent alternative to the Mickey Mouse Club. In fact, it lasted longer than any version of the MMC, going on a whole nine years, between 1984 and 1993. Ok, imagine the 89 version of the MMC, minus all the up and coming stars (the closest thing KI had going for it was a young Jennifer Love Hewitt). Give it a plot, and bam. Kids Incorporated. It had really hit its stride in 1987, getting enough young viewers that Disney Channel Mag decided to devote 10% of the mag to them. Among the items in this issue include a KI sweepstakes and an interview with Renee Sands.

What's Renee Sands doing these day? Playing Princess Fiona's singing voice in various Shrek outings.

Well, that pretty much does it for the mag. Really, it's nothing more than a sample of what has big in Disney during the time. While the Care Bears and Anne of Avonlea get top billing, the majority of the time were filled in made-for-tv movies and specials that are proving hard to find nowadays. I searched my video store. All the films mentioned here aren't there. What's up with that?

First, we got Night Crossing, something of a required viewing in our family. It tells the tale of two men who need to escape East Germany with their family. The whole movie plays with the two families trying to find a way to get over that infamous wall, which would be pretty entertaining if every single movie poster, magazine article and trailer reveals that they escape via hot air balloon (hey, who am I to disagree with tradition?). Actually, it's kind of a dull movie. Hot air balloons don't make for good car chases.

Even worse is Not Quite Human, starring Jay "The Boy Who Could Fly" Underwood and Alan "Growing Pains" Thicke. I really don't want to talk about it.

For some reason, Disney Channel also played a lot of Lamb Chop specials. I mean, it's not that I don't like Lamb Chop, it's just that it didn't feel like it had that Disney tint they craved so much. Again, I like Lamb Chop. If the Muppets or Pinwheel wasn't on, I'd go with Sheri Lewis. One of my favorite Lamb Chop specials was one in which Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy (my personal fav) present kids with 100 activities with nothing more than a paper napkin and an orange. You have no clue what I can do with a paper napkin and an orange. I can kill you with a paper napkin and an orange.

Also, Lamb Chop never celebrated Christmas. They had a Chanukah and a Passover special, but no word on Christmas. This kind of led to an interesting conversation with my dad.

Me: Hey, Dad. Chanukah's coming up. Can we celebrate?
Dad: Um, no. We're not Jewish.
Me: That's what Alan "Growing Pains" Thicke said, but he celebrated it anyway.
Dad: Do you even know what Chanukah is?
Me: It's when we light candles and eat crackers.
Dad: Alright, that's it! I won't hear any more of this. Just put on your Satanic December Robes and help me move the bodies.

Ah, now here's an interesting special. The Boy Who Loved Trolls. Imagine that really imaginative DnD kid that knows all the good fairy tales but can't face reality (if you look at me, I'll kick your ass). Well, that's our hero, a boy named Paul. Paul decides he wants to see Trolls, so he starts searching under every bridge in the city. Finally, a finds one, but it turns out to be just a guy who wears a giant foam head from time to time. This is Ofoeti, who insists he's really a troll. He also says he has only a day to live. Riiiiiiight.

Also, Paul finds a mermaid, but her tail has a zipper, and she can take it off to walk around whenever she wants to. Hurray, an hour long special consisting of nothing but fantasy characters that can take off their body parts and reveal their not actually fantasy characters! Why did I love this so much as a kid? Cause House Divided didn't suck all that much. The Troll raises a family after the Civil War.

And finally, a Prairie Home Companion. Wait...

...

...

...

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I thought it was a radio show...

Well, let's wrap this up, shall we? In the end, the old Disney Channel didn't have much, but it certainly had a lot more charm than the crap we got now. Disney Channel Magazine was also far from the world's best mag, but it too had it's charm. You know what also has a lot of charm? Dark Heart. I mean, he so totally fooled that girl! BEST VILLAIN EVER!

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