For those unfamiliar with the X-Men mythos, Generation X was a spin-off series to the regular X-Men comic series, putting a bunch of teenage mutants in uptown Boston and having them fight vampires or something. Up until the series was passed on to new writers and artists in 1997, the comics were pretty damn popular, and combined with the popularity of the X-Men cartoon, the studios began to consider creating a live-action TV show. A 90-minute pilot was produced and aired, but turn out was so horrible that the series was immediatly canned and the pilot never shown of television again.

An offical VHS release made it into scattered movie rentals, but unlike various early 90s Fantastic Four and Captain America outings, no cult status was to follow. But was it really that bad? Wasn't there anything good to come out of it? Yes, there is one shining star in this dreary film, and that star's name is the wonderful Matt Frewer. Be he be an angular guy inside a computer of the future in Max Headroom, a squishy guy inside a computer of the future in Lawnmower Man 2, giving God some nuclear warheads in The Stand, or being the Creepy Government Guy In A Suit With A Heart Of Gold in Taken, every day is a good day with two scoops of Matt Frewer. Be sure to click on the various Matty Frewery sound clips through out the article.

But I'll gush some more later. THE REVIEW MUST GO ON!

We open with these images. I assume you can read.

Matt Frewer plays Russel Trask, evil scientist and surgeon. With mutants showing up in large numbers nowadays, Trask has been having no problem finding and kidnapping test subjects. His main point of interest in the mutant brain, seeing it as the key to unlock a whole new dimension. Pretty straight foward. Fortunatly for Mittens Man, Trask's latest victim, Dr. Queen Medicine Woman shows up to save the day.

Yes, Emma Frost, aka the White Queen, also happens to be a doctor at the same hospital as Trask, and quickly pulls the plug on his operation. Frost here is played by the powder-wigged Finola Hughes, who's face always looks like it's gonna collapse in on itself. Two seconds after saving Mittens Man from a brain opensaysme, police arrive to take the mutant to a concentration camp, and refuse to arrest Trask. Trask gloats in Frost's face, but the moment the police leave, Frost turns on her own mutant powers, turning on desk fan to high, and manages to, um, make Trask stumble. Frost growls and walks out.

Got that? Good.

Years later...

Angelo Espinosa, aka Skin, is a minor computer hacker slash Superhero With Stretching Powers #364,235, living on the rough side of town, watching sunsets from church doors and stuff. His large family is finding it difficult to keep Skin's mutants powers secret, what with Skin's idiot little sister grabbing his arm and taking it through three rooms in the house. Luckily for the Espinosa family, a letter arrived in the mail, inviting Skin to some mystery school, protected from the laws against mutants. So, before Skin can get a word in edge wise, he's shuttled into a beat-up vehical of sorts and goes trippin.

One thing about Skin's stretching ability. Every time he does it, it hurts. Like, as much as you would expect it to hurt for a normal human to have his arm stretched six feet. I'm not sure how helpful a power is when it causes huge amounts of pain. Imagine Johnny Storm turning on his powers and going "AH AH I'M ON FUCKING FIRE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

But never mind that, let's find out what Trask is doing these days. I must once again state how awesome Trask/Frewer is in this movie. To give you a good idea, imagine Toshirô Mifune in Seven Samurai, with his combination of giddy antics, bursts of anger, and random nine-minute pauses in conversation. Now dress him in a blue suede suit and make him the head scientist in an advertising firm. Yes, Trask in working commercials, developing new methods of subliminal advertising for, appearntly, Sega, as their leading product is Virtua Fighter. Trask's latest method includes using some kind of machine to plant commands into the heads of dreaming teenagers, telling them to, well, "PLAY MORE VIRTUA FIGHTER!"

One such VIRTUA FIGHTER player is Jublilee, played by the Heather McComb. As Heather only really got attractive in recent years, this is perhaps the yuckiest Jubilee in the character's history. And you know, Jubilee sucks, blah blah blah.

PLAY MORE VIRTUA FIGHTER
PLAY MORE VIRTUA FIGHTER
PLAY MORE VIRTUA FIGHTER

So, because she's such an intense VIRTUA FIGHTER player, Jubilee accidentally reveals to mall security that she can shoot fireworks out the wazoo, and is shuttled to prison for being an unregistered mutant. Luckily, Emma Frost is on the case! And, yeah, Cerebo is an office computer from the 1960s.

Meanwhile, Trask, having witnessed the mall incident, has some news for Bobby Baby.

Jubi's mom comes down the police station to mouth off to her daughter for hiding her powers, and then mouthing off to the police for letting her daughter be taken away to mutant concentration camp. Man, this woman just don't like anybody. She even mouths off to Emma Frost and her fuck-buddy Banshee, who offer to take Jubi to the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters where she'd be safe. Though, frankly, if a woman wearing a silver erotica bodysuit and 80s rock and roll jacket came up to me with her Irish boyfriend and said they'd take my only child to an unknown location where she'd be "safe", I'd probably mouth off to her too.

Of course, Jubi's mom accepts the offer, and Emma and Banshee walks right into the police office and take her. Thank god for the psychic people.

Jubi's thankful for the help, but decides to hit the streets instead of stay with oddly-foreign fashion freaks. Yeah, I hear there's a strong market out there for teenage firework-spitting prostitutes. Of course, Emma ain't taken no from nobody, and forces Jubi's free will into the back of their jeep.

A few hours later, they pick up Skin at the bus station, starting the romantic relationship between him and Jubi that never once surfaces. Despite what the picture on the right implies.

The Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It moonlights as a Scooby-Doo set, also.

In a completely pointless scene other than to staple in the fact that Emma Frost and Banshee are a pair of sexual freaks, Emma orders Jubi to strip in front of thin screen for a, um, examine. And not in another room, but the same room where Skin and Banshee are in. Skin is happy to get a shot of Jubi's pubies, but is offically freaked out when Emma tells him he's next. Who the hell are these people? And why don't they buy any decent lightbulbs?

So, freshly molested, Skin and Jubi migrate to the backyard, where some of the other students are playing football. Actually, all of them. Either the school is brand spanking new, which I doubt since all the equipment is installed and everyone seems settled, or Emma isn't doing a very good job gathering students. Anyway, the other students include:

Kurt Pastorius/Refrax - The dude in the sunglasses. Created for the movie, he's essentially a young Cyclops with some latent, rarely-works x-ray vision. His personality is a mix of a pog collector and The Miz.

Mondo - He becomes as tough and as rigid as whatever material he touches. In the above picture, he's as tough as the discount aisle at the Gap. His personality is a mix between a street-wise punk and Chris Gaines.

Arlee Hicks/Buff - The girl on the right, also created for the film, Buff's power is that she has huge muscles. Really. Of course, the actress here really doesn't have huge muscles, so she spends most of the movie wearing loose fitting sweaters. Her personality is a mix between the shy girl in history class and the shy boy in band who wishes he was a girl.

Monet St. Croix/M - She... also has super strength. Wow, two girls whose power is being physically strong. How wonderfully creative. She's also a complete bitch who does nothing in the entire film. In this sound clip for a scene I didn't bother screencapping, M explains the basic rule of the Xavier School: that no one should ever like anybody else, ever. Also, listen for how much Jubi really wants to change clothes with Buff. Seems Jubi discovered something about herself when she stripped for Emma.

So, Skin and Jubi join the football game, and somehow, everyone ends up hating each other and it all ends up in a big dog pile. Luckily, Banshee is there to break the heathens up.

ANTICS!

And so classes begun, and since there are only two staff members in the entire building, there are only two classes. The first taught by Emma Frost, focuses on unlocking the students' psychic potential. Apparently in this universe, all mutants have psychic abilities alongside their unique usually-super-strength abilities. One of the prime uses for this is messing around in the dream world, the same dimension Trask has been using to tell kids to "PLAY MORE VIRTUA FIGHTER!!!"

And the key to unlocking these powers? Magic Eye puzzles, of course! Ethan Suplee is clearly not a mutant.

We'd clearly have more school attendance if the hotter teachers dressed up like that for class.

Banshee's class is, well, running the school security system. Banshee gives everyone drills on what to do if anybody intrudes on the school grounds. Which I guess is good, like a fire drill is good, but this is a class. Your overall grade on how good of a mutant you are depends on how well you run the old-as-Jesus computer system!

And to think, I had to take Creative Communications.

Skin and Jubi both end up interested in Emma's dream classes (not hard to understand why, considering the other option) and start checking out books and reading them together. Awww, they are so a couple but aren't really. While doing some private study, they discover that Emma Frost was part of a research group who designed a machine that people with no super psychic powers could use to enter the dream world. Guess who else was on that team?

BUM BUM BUM

Trask and Bobby Boy, a day away from their huge presentation, reflect on what brought them to this stage of life. Trask's tale is more interesting.

Having finished their two classes for the day, the Generation X team decide to take a nice little break in the local lumber town. Teenage mutants having fun in 1996 is apparantley the same as teenagers having fun in 1956, mainly hanging out in malt shops and and trying on primary color dresses at ma' and pa' establishments. At least Mondo lightens things up with his gay pride parachute jacket.

The crew seperates into three groups. The women go to try some new model grandma panties on at the local Overpriced Stitched Together Shit Mart, while Skin goes off on his own to sulk becuase nobody loves him because he goes off on his own and sulks. Mondo and Refrax sit on a park bench and rate the local female talent on a ten point system, and while discussing the latest magazine model they'd like to bone, Refrax let's it out that he snuck a feel of Buff in the football game. Hurray for teenage perversion on television!

And speaking of teenagers, perversion, and Buff, Jubi once again insists with changing clothes with Buff. But this time, she decides to just barge into the occupied dressing room without asking, getting herself an eye full of the only shot in the movie of buff Buff.

JUBI'S SUBCONSCIOUS: "The power and strength of a man, with the sensitivity of a woman?......

...

....

....

JACKPOT!!!"

And that girl that Skin is taking a fancy to, that girl in the white coat that's just ASKING to get pig blood spilled all over her? That's Kayla, the local popular girl. What makes her take Skin's fancy? Your guess is as good as mine. We shall have no character development at all in the five minutes she'll be on screen. She's a tool.

And what's this tool's primary function? To give Kayla's jock friends a reason to stick Skin's face into a bowl of banana split. Now, one would expect to do two things in this situation. You'd either get angry and probably get your ass mopped around the place, or you'd get sad, go home, and lock yourself in your room for twelve hours. But not Skin. No, Skin has another way to get rid of stress.

HACKING!!!

And while hacking around the school's security system, he discovers a room that isn't on the floor plans, a room that needs an access key. Luckily, there's an access key printing machine right next to the mouse. The security system needs a secutity system. Or at least a child lock.

So, what's in this mysterious room?

BUM BUM BUM

LAWN FURNITURE... OF THE FUTURE

Meanwhile, Trask is the middle of his demonstration on his latest developments on brain spam technology. And, well, YOU SHOULD JUST LISTEN TO IT YOURSELF. It's a thing of magic.

To say the least, things don't go swimmingly. With Trask removed from the room, the board discuss, and agree that what Trask is doing isn't a big of a "gas" as Trask thinks. If Trask can do that, imagine what a hostile could do. They all look at Bobby Boy, who agrees and says he'll come up with a way to get rid of Trask. Unfortunatly for Bobby Boy, he's been Punk'd. The entire meeting was a dream the entire time, a dream Trask was using to discover Bobby Boy's true loyality. Turning on his Freddy Krueger, Trask makes Bobby Boy sleep walk out a window and down twelve stories.

Give it a listen.

Skin decides to show Jubi his recent discovery of Emma's dream machine. Jubi decides to go first, walks into her dad's dreams in the director's attempt to make the audience cry, and then Trask comes to save the day!

You know, I'm looking at this dream chair, and I just can't decide if I should make a Clockwork Orange joke or a Brazil joke.

Jubi makes it out in time, pisses herself, and huddles off in the corner. Skin ain't bothered though. Skin wants dream sex! So the first place he goes to is into Kayla's sleeping mind. However, Skin finds out he can't outright manipulate a person's dreams, just observe them. Luckily, Trask is still hanging out, and for reasons I still don't understand, he lets Skin interact with Kayla's dreams. Then various fecal matters hit the fan.

It seems the police have been on Trask's tail since Bobby Boy's death. They find him snoozing in her personal dream machine, and without much thought, disconnect him. I guess this is bad, because it sends Dream Trask down an endless pit, dooming him to a plummeting limbo.

That's it? That's the death of our main baddie?

Duh, of course not! I guess physics still apply in the dream world, and lucky too, cause Skin manages to stretch himself quick enough to drag Trask back on his feet. Overjoyed, Trask promises Skin a favor one day, and skips off to see what Eric Benét dreams about.

Of course, there's the little matter of Trask's body. With his brain running around in the dreamscape, his body is left to rot in a mental hospital where disgruntled guys shove wafer cookies down his gullet... You know, replace the disgruntled guy with Jennifer Connelly, and that would be my heaven.

Back at Camp Snoopy, the fair is in town! Oh boy! Overpriced rides and cotton candy! Generation X takes place in Orofino I guess. Of course, you'd be a loser not to take a date to the fair, and Rifftrax Refrax isn't going there alone. Of course, M is a bitch, and I don't have a clue what Jubi's deal is, so that just leaves Buff. Buff is reluctant, but eventally agrees. Jubi then beats Mondo at an eating contest, proving she's more butch then Mondo. I'm not joking.

M gains her own little cult following by destroying fairground property, and Refrax's x-ray vision decides to kick in during his make out with Buff. Once realizing that her thigh could kill a whale, he ditches Buff faster then Mean Joe Greene ditched his jersey.

Lonely o' Skin manages to find Kayla, who now expresses large feelings for Skin. Of course, these feelings are artifically created by Trask's meddling, but Skin doesn't seem to mind false love too much. Kayle's groupies are not so pleased to see him, but this time Mondo's got his back. With a rock in his pocket, Mondo coaxes one of Kayla's punks to punch him in the jaw, which results in the punk breaking every bone in his hand. A fight breaks out, and everyone gets arrested.

After bailing them out, Emma decides to expel EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER STUDENTS. Banshee tries to talk some since into the ice queen, mentioning that when a school only has six students, you may want to be a little careful about how you dish out punishment. It takes a while, but Emma comes around, and all the students are students again.

Buff catches find out about Refrax's sudden new powers, and dumps him. Jubi spots an opening.

Being unable to approach her in real life or get his spleen cut out by a high school student in his twenties, Skin makes several visits to Kayla through her dreams. And I guess we're supposed to think this is OK. WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS MOVIE SO WRONG!?

Trask knows just where to find Skin. After spending a few days wandering aimless in the dream world, Trask decides he likes having his body as an anchor, and so he demands that Skin help him get it back. Trask's bargaining chip? Skin's little sister, the idiot who kept revealing Skin's mutant power in public.

Skin sneaks a dream helmet into the hospital. I guess the recliner thing is just for show. With a little of the controllers, Trask manages to regain control of his body. Then he somehow kidnaps Skin. Some thin geeky guy who's only dangerous when asleep manages to capture a street-wise hacker with superpowers?

Trask somehow manages to drag Skin off to his basement lair, which thankfully wasn't touched since the police made their arrest. Trask decides he wants to pick up brain surgery as a hobby again. I guess being an all-powerful being in an unexplored dimension was too boring.

Remember how I said all the mutants in this world have their own unique powers plus psychic powers? The whole Magic Eye thing? Well, that bit finally gets a point. Skin manages to send a mental image to Jubi back in the school, telling her he's been kidnapped. Jubi runs straight to Emma and Banshee, who conclude that Emma's old medical school buddy must be behind it. Emma mentions that, with all the time Trask has been spending in the dream world, he might be harder to defeat that some usual non-mutant. Banshee suggests that no news is good news.

Emma gathers the rest of the team and lays down the plan: Emma will use all her powers to bring Trask to the dream world. The team will go in, rescue Skin, get out, and Emma will close things down, trapping Trask in the dream world forever. Huh? That doesn't solve your problems, it just makes Trask more powerful! Why don't you just show up with a gun and shoot the guy!? Refrax decides saving Skin is less important then telling Buff he didn't see her tits.

I won't bother with a play-by-play on the final battle. Basically, all the mutants use their powers, but nothing works. Trask quickly realizes he's in the dream world again, and kicks things into Final Fantasy boss mode.

I AM A BIG MAN!

And then Skin just wraps around him alot, throws him into a pit, the end.

No, really, that's how it ends. Cause the very next scene are the mutants playing a card game all happy like. The guy took laser beams to the just and sonic sound waves to the brain, but all it took to defeat Trask was to push him into a hole? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THIS!?!

I think their new uniforms are padded a bit, yes?

So, what have we learned?

Running a school's security system is should be a required class.
Magic Eye is the key to the metaphysical.
It's not good to fart at a business meeting.
Matt Frewer is a god.
MATT FREWER IS A GOD!

A GOD

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