As with many children who grew up in the late-80s and early-90s, Nickelodeon played a huge role in my childhood. My household didn't get it, but whenever I would go to my grandparents, who only lived a five-minute drive away, Nick would be the only thing I'd watch. Now, I wasn't a TV-cholic, I did a lot of other stuff at their house too, but Nick had become a staple in my life.

Back then, shows like Doug, The Littl' Bits, Eureka's Castle, and Inspector Gadget were becoming very popular with the kiddies, and it wasn't uncommon to hear kids humming the Count Duckula theme song on the street. Yes, It was a golden age of cartoons, full of imagination.

In the early 90s, Nick released it's first really bad cartoon, Ren and Stimpy. It's gross humor caught the eyes of many parents, like mine, and soon it was on their "You can't watch that" list. Ren and Stimpy was soon fallowed by more terrible cartoons like Rocko's Modern Life, Angry Beavers, CatDog, and the worst of worst, Spongebob Squarepants. Am I missing something? How is a talking sponge making underwear jokes funny?

It was around that time when Nick began publishing Nickelodeon Magazine, a 40-page collection of articles, interviews, comics, and other odds and ends. When I heard about it, I tried my best to get my parents to subscribe, but it was no use. I was able to get on one copy though. It was rather good, actually. While still very odd, it was a silly-odd, rather then stupid-odd. The comics were laugh-out loud funny, the games were very funny, and everything else had a scrubbed-charm.

Again, that's when my grandparents came in. They actually paid for a subscription for us in 1998, and had them sent to us. When the first of 12 issues came, I was the first to read every article, play every game, kiss every page. I was just as excited when the second one came. But, just like the channel before it, Nick Mag was starting to lose it's charm. The articles started becoming more and more unfunny, the comics were becoming stupid, and it seemed as if material was being reused. By the time the 12th issue came out, I didn't care for the magazine anymore.

The fates of these 12 magazines are lost in history. Some got lost, some got thrown away, and some were given to friends. I forgot about the magazines for some time, until recently...

While going threw a box of old junk, I came across a cover less copy of the May 1999 issue. Old, tattered, with about two dozen pages ripped out, it was looking very much like something that had just been pulled out of a tomb. This issue came out when I was kinda neutral about the magazine. Some of the articles and stuff were rather good, but about half of it fell flat. After looking over it once, I put it in my closet and once again forgot about it.

When I started the article section for this website, I knew would end up writing about the issue. It was beckoning me, calling me from the closet with the little spirit it had left. Finally, I gave in and pulled it out. And so now I present to you,

NICKELODEON MAGAZINE!

Every month's issue had a different theme. One month was food month, another was car month. This issue was money month. Thus, lots of "spare change" jokes. Some of the articles mentioned in the index include These Didn't Count or Fit, about fake currency, a survey called Are You Too Wealthy?, and Show Me the Sawbucks. Too many money puns, too little time.

During the year of 1999, Nickelodeon made a lot of hype about the upcoming change in century, both on television and in print. Each issue of Nick Mag had a Countdown Hype, a sometimes-factual but generally stupid bit where they tell you how many times something is going to happen before before 2000. This issue told us how many times a fictional dog called Zelda would be walked.

Zelda was sort of the logo for Nick Mag. On almost every page, Zelda adds flavor by adding her comments. Unfortunately, most of them consisted of puns, which was what most of the Nick Mags lived on. Zelda had her own comic page, which consisted of mainly...you guessed it, puns.

About 25% of a Nick Mag was full-page ads. This one was of Aunt Jemima's French Toast, Pancakes, and Waffles and a contest to win a talking Babe doll with a $16.99 retail cost. $16.99! Nowadays, you could probably buy one in a garage sale for $2. Right next to the underwear and Dick Tracy tapes.

As part of the promotion of a new line of Aunt Jamima products, they held a contest to name three new logos. Guess what they named them? That's right, puns!

Monique is a mutated peice of French Toast, and is, of course, French. You can tell just how old this magazine is because you can actually see the cell phone in her hand. If it ain't invisible, it ain't new.

Short Stack is the nerd of the food universe. Spending his days strumming his ukulele and watching Babe, he takes no mind in the fact that most other food items are ashamed of him.

Ed The Waffle Head is too cool for a quote. Dressed in Weird Al attire and playing with his A.I. yoyo, he's the top of the society chain, blowing everybody out of the syrup. Just wait till he hits puberty. A waffle on hormones. Now that's something to see.

Here's an ad for three Saturday morning cartoons playing on FOX in 1999. Note that all of them ended up sucking really bad. Godzilla was basically the same thing over and over again. A monster shows up, Godzilla beats it up. Very much like his movies. Power Rangers Lost Galaxy was the Power Ranger's 9567 reincarnation in the span of five years, and was doomed from the start, despite the Starship Trooper costumes. Woody Woodpacker? Pretty self-explanitory.

Here's an article where the cheapest of something is compared to the most expensive. Hershey's Kisses to Ganache. Paper Mate to Montblane Royal. Madonna to Whoopie Goldberg.

Here's a comparison of a McDonald's burger to a '21' Club hamburger. We all know that McDonald's burgers are basically mounds of crap, but it's cheaper crap. You get half the crap for $27 dollars off. One up for McDonalds.

Many times, Nick releases fake ads for fun. This one is of the ZAPSTR 3000, the world's most powerful weapon. An expected release in January 1st, 3000, the first kid to buy one will become ruler of the world, guaranteed. Here's a lowdown:

First, it's a portable television with a volume setting between 1-11. It's most likely that that 11 setting could blow out anybody's eardrums. It makes hamburgers materialize in thin air. It can hypnotize anybody you point it at. It can beam things up. Those right there are great powers, but wait, it gets better.

A set of buttons even allows more chaos. From top left to right bottom: the ability to mute the sound around you; the ability to create video games; the ability to have hold concerts anywhere; the ability to have wheels appear anywhere; the ability to become invisible; the ability to gain a sidekick; the ability to electrocute people; the ability to hold a party; the ability to enter hyperspace.

These powers are almost god-mighty! But wait, there's more!

You can have a random celeb appear before you, like Matthew Brodreck or Amy Jo Johnson. The WHATEVER button is very much like the red button in the MIB's vehicles. You have to clue what it does until you press it. Are you willing to take that chance?

The last buttons are labeled Total Control, not that you didn't have enough control already. You can also see the power core of the remote: a small planet controlled by McDonald's. McDonald's must rule the world in 3000.

Every article features a celebrity interview. This issue's interview was Britney Spears, pre-acting career. These pictures off her before she started getting slutty, unless you have a yellow rain jacket fetish.

Many things inspired me to create Pop Arena. This article is one of them. My favorite part of the entire magazine, this is a comparison to the Simpsons Mr. Burns and Bill Gates. An amazing piece of work. Their conclusion?

Hehehe....HEHEHE!...HAHAHA!....HOHOHO!

In conclusion, Nick Magazine was good for a one-day chuckle, but it really lost it's charm over the years. Just like how Meg Ryan did.

I hate Nickelodeon.