Being an "E/N Writer", many easily assume that I am, or at least was, into comic books. While I love many of the comic book characters, the truth is that I was unable to get them when I was a kid, and I simply don't care for those coming out right now. Back in the early 90s, my cousin and a few of my friends began to collect comic books. Trying to get into this exclusive club, I asked my parents many, many times for the funds to purchase the continuess adventures of Storm and the Juggernaut. Nothing doing. My allowence at the time was so small a child from the great depression would wince, and my parents had no interest in filling my stockings with colorful drawing of D-cup vixens suckerpunching each other.

Any comic books I read at that time were "borrowed" from my cousin. His collection got the point where he couldn't keep count, and I managed to sneak one or two out a month without him noticing. Recently, I rediscovered the small pile of books I had managed to snatch, and was surprised how many of them were Power Ranger comics. I mean, I knew I loved watching the show back then, but I have a hard time believing I would pick those over Spider-Man or Batman. Oh, well. I've spent the last week rereading them, and I'm surprised to say they took a show in which thirty-year old teenagers karate chop foam squids and then karate chop them again with the Dinobots, and somehow made it the dullest thing ever.

Case in point, Reach Out And Crash Someone!

I like how they hired a student from Mr. Haye's AP English class to write the opening. Yes, Rita and Goldar better watch out for the "exploits" of Zordon's "vanguard" or they might have to call for help on their "cordless phones." And the Power Rangers never earned their title, that'd be like saying that garage band fought long and hard to earn the name "Green Day."

It's Internet Festival 95', and the Power Rangers have all gathered together to wait ten minutes for the Pepsi website to load and to chat with an anime fan from Canada.

BillyNyeTheScienceGuy: I don't know. I could see how removing the tail could prevent standard metamorphosis if it contained certain hormonal glands, but since their nature has them transforming back and forth between forms, much like a classic lycanthrope from Norse mythology, it's clearly not based on alien biology but instead a standard deus ex machina.
AN1MEFAN8776: man bulma is a hot peice of azz aye?

Our cast:

Tommy Oliver/White Ranger: The leader of the vanguard. Has a talking sword. Played here by a young Steven Seagal.

Billy Cranston/Blue Ranger: The team's science wiz. Has a VW Beetle that can fly. Played here by someone with hair and muscles, the exact opposite of David Yost.

Kimberly Hart/Pink Ranger: The team's hot gymnest. Can fly a giant alien pterodactyl robot, but can't fly a crop duster. Played here by an Angelina Jolie bobblehead.

Rocky DeSantos/Red Ranger: Turning the original kickass Red Ranger into a limp-wristed pantsy. Is so bad, he gets replaced by a nine-year old kid. Played here by John F. Kennedy from Clone High.

Aisha Campbell/Yellow Ranger: Doesn't really do anything. Owns nothing. Played here by no one.

Adam Park/Black Ranger: Adam Park is melting in the dark, all that sweet green icing flowing down.

Carl Potts: Head Putty In Charge. Falls apart when you hit the giant Z on his armor.

Billy, I know you're into the whole "talking in the longest sentences possible" thing, but do you really need to refer to the event as "the internet festival being held at school" when you're ALREADY IN THE GODDAMN SCHOOL? Also, if you other Rangers find this world wide web business so neat, why are you all gathering around Billy? I count at least six unoccupied computers around. What's the problem, Windows 386 too complicated for our teenagers with attitude?

Meanwhile, young Maxwell Dillon and Willson Fisk eavesdrop on a conversation between J. Jonah Jameson and Peter Parker.

Skull's plan is simple: steal the faulty floppy and stick into Billy's computer so that someone on the other side of the world will be mildly confused! Oh, how Bulk and Skull will chuckle when computer wiz Billy will pause, pull the disc out, and toss it in the trash.

I wasn't aware you could speak light bulbs.

Fortunatly for Bulk and Skull, all six rangers took a piss break at the exact same time, giving them the opening they need for TOTALLY mild chaos. Bulk and Skull snicker and run off, only to become junior police men.

So, you're talking to a guy in Australia, something that you would not normally do on a regular basis, and the best question you can come up with is how the guy feels about the leading Australian stereotype?

Meanwhile, Lord Zedd, king of red meat, plots on a way to use this dang-fangle Internet to his advantage. Considering that normally Lord Zedd focuses on a city that consists of nothing but empty skyscrapers and a juice bar, a plot to take over a world wide system is quite ambitious. In the next issue, Lord Zedd tries to conquer the aqueduct.

Seriously, this is the best plan Lord Zedd ever came up with. Cripple a major communications system, and at the same time throw a continuously multiplying enemy at Earth's defences. At the most, he'll conquer the world, and at the least, he'll distract people from noticing how much his head looks like cauliflower.

Look out, Beast Wars characters are shooting off of the Apples! The viruses taking control! Deep Blue is killing people instead of beating them at chess! Pod bay doors everywhere refuse to open! A handful of teenagers are terrorized in a school gym by crappy Battlebots! And stuff.

If the bleachers are designed so that no one can see anything back there, then you just know the Rangers are slipping around on used condoms and bags of weed as they put on their full-body super suits. Also, it appears they filmed Kill Bill Vol. 1 from behind those bleachers. Ok Power Rangers, so no one can see you, but I don't think it's wise to be yelling out your code names when crowds of pissed-pants teenagers are running around. They started doing that when they ditched the dinosaur powers and switched to crappy ninja/totem animal powers. Before, they'd just yell their dino names. If anyone overheard, they'd simply think these guys are near-orgasmicly into prehistoric creatures.

You know, most of you guys do have guns. I'd try those before trying to smack the giant robot bugs with electricity spewing from their bodies with the side of your foot. Also, Adam totally just bitch slapped that computer virus.

"I believe I might have a solution which would terminate this fracas with no further call for fisticuffs!"

Billy, ten kids just got sliced in half by robot bug mandibles in the time it took you to say that. There's a difference from being smart and being anal. And there's really no need to backflip to the lightswitch, jerk.

The bug got so mad from that bitch slap that it pissed all over Adam's costume.

You know, being the responsible adults they are, the faculity of the school are doing head counts, making sure everyone is ok, and they'll notice that, for the hundredth time some foam gimmicky monster shows up, the same six teenagers have dissappeared again. And they'll be asking the other students, and someone will say they saw them run under the bleachers, scream out the names of the Power Rangers, only to have the Power Rangers emerge from the same bleacheSORRY sorry. I was trying to use logic while talking about the Power Rangers again. I should probably see a doctor about that.

Man, these bugs totally ruined Bulk and Skull's awesome prank.

Introducing the Zords, from top to bottom: Major American Eagle, Origami-But-With-Metal, Voltron, We Call It A Gorilla But Come On It's Just An Ugly Dude, another Voltron, and Mr. Mouth 3000.

Lord Zedd is near victory!

Which, of course, means he's gonna make a really dumb mistake in a sec. Three... two... one...

You have the Power Rangers out-numbered and out-gunned. In the time it takes to defeat one bug, thousands more have been created all around the world. That's the nature of viruses. There's no way the Power Rangers can win. The last thing you want to do is TURN A MILLION TINY FOES INTO ONE BIG FOE THAT'S EASIER TO HIT!

But it's not like the Power Rangers can come up with a better idea.

I'm looking at those people in the bottom panel. Since it seems that the Power Rangers and the virus are fighting in the desert, that means these people actually drove there to see the fight. Which makes you think, Angel Grove has a giant themed monster attack it at least three times a week. By now there's got to be some kind of illegal betting going on on how long it takes the Rangers to wipe the floor with the monster's ass. There are probably also guys who scavange around for alien chunks to sell to scientists from foreign countries. Lots of illegal cash passed around in Angel Grove.

Um, you sure you want to access the virus-controlled internet inside the one weapon you have against the virus-controlled internet?

You see, when you shut off all the computers in the world, the internet no longer exsists.

What?

I'm surprised this work, frankly. It seems that the moment the killer computer bugs all left to form into super computer bug, all the world's children went straight back to playing Grow Cube and reading Wizard of Id slash fan fiction. If my computer tried to murder me, I'd think the last thing I'd hang around for the next couple of days is the fucking computer.

So, Lord Zedd may have lost this round, but at least he accomplished one thing.

He somehow managed to bleach the Pink Ranger's helmet.

RETURN TO POP ARENA!